Mothers

2 Nephi 25:26
And we talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, we prophesy of Christ, and we write according to our prophecies, that our children my know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins.

Alma 56:47-48
.....yea, they had been taught by their mothers, that if they did not doubt, God would deliver them.
And they rehearsed unto me the words of their mothers, saying:  We do not doubt our mothers knew it.

Being a mother on the best of days is not an easy task. Being a mother when a family's world is being broken down around them is a herculean feat.

Long ago, before I had kids, I determined that fail as a parent however I would, I would never inflict my children with my own doubts about the gospel.  As I read 1 Nephi I wondered if Sariah's murmuring was part of the reason Laman and Lemuel had such a hard time.  **Note.  I am not blaming their choices on their mother.  That would take away their agency and would blame her for their failings while ignoring her efforts in raising four other wonderful and obedient sons.**

If you know me, you know that I tend to be a complainer.  If something is wrong, I'm going to talk about it.  Mostly.  I do enjoy (much to my chagrin because I begin to sound like my own mother) a good list of what currently hurts.  Depending on the day, the list is long or short.

But I do not bring my doubts as complaints to my children.  If I am concerned about something, I just suck it up, knowing I can and will figure it out with study and prayer.  Just like we should never gossip to others about the failings of our spouse, because we usually don't come back and correct those impressions we leave in the heat of the moment, we should not bring up our doubts to our children whose testimonies are fragile and tender.

Three women come to my mind when I think about this.  Three recent conversations.  In each, these mothers have had children who fell away from the Church.  ****Not blaming them.  That's not where we are going with this.****   These children all have a common thread.  When life gets hard, they call their moms to pray for them.  They DO NOT DOUBT that their mother's know the source to whence they can look. I hope in their despair, the mothers see the power that they hold.  No matter what else happens in life, their children know that there is safety in their mother, that even if they don't feel comfortable or credulous, their mother knows.

We have to share our moments of doubt.  Sometimes talking through and reasoning with another sound individual whose testimony is grounded and trusted is a good way to work through things ourselves.  That's okay.  I have doubted a lot lately, and it's not even for any of the current doubtable reasons du jour.  I have gotten angry.  I have stumbled around in a darkness I allowed to creep in.  Right at this moment of time, I am back to a good place.  I know I don't know all the whys and wherefores.  I am learning to be grateful for the blessings we receive even if they don't look like the blessings I want and envision.  I am learning that life is out of my control and I can either let it spiral away or place it in the hands of He who is the source of my faith.  I'm not there by a long shot, but I am learning.

These lessons are the ones I want my children to learn from me.  Not how to complain.  Not how to doubt.  Not how to get angry.  Not how to lash out.  I want my kids to see me struggle and to watch me bear down as I reach to my faith and rise up better than I was.

I wonder what Sariah's journal looked like.  I know what her sons' looked like and know that they knew where to look because of her.  I hope that she knows her invaluable worth in their lives and those of countless others who have embraced the truths that her sons recorded.